Do you have a broken partner-picker? Do you
keep picking the wrong partners thinking they are the right ones,
only to realize you once again picked the same kind of partner as
in the past?
If so, your partner-picker can be
fixed. It just needs a little work. The following exercise will
help you fix your partner-picker.
1. Complete the following sentence
with a few words that readily come to mind:
All men or all women are___________________________.
Did you immediately think of negative terms to define men or
women? If so, are you sure all men or all women are as you described
above? Do you personally know any who are not?
The first step to fixing a broken partner-picker is to realize all
kinds of people exist out there in the big wide world of ours. Most
singles with a broken partner-picker actually believe the only kinds
of people who are out there are the kinds they have been meeting.
So a woman who keeps meeting unavailable men believes all men are
unavailable. And a man who keeps meeting women who are after his
money believes all women are gold diggers.
In a way this actually makes sense; we believe the evidence in front
of us. However, does the woman who keeps meeting unavailable men
keep meeting them because that IS the only kind of man out there,
or because she BELIEVES that is the only kind of man out there?
In my experience, you will attract all kinds of people, but only
notice the kind you believe are out there.
To change this, get to know and build friendships with men and women
who are not as you described above. Work on realizing there is great
diversity in behaviors and attitudes among EACH sex.
2. Complete the following sentence
with a few words that readily come to mind:
All relationships are______________________________________.
Did you immediately think of negative terms to define relationships?
If so, is it true that all relationships are as you described? Do
you personally know any that are not?
The second step in fixing a broken partner-picker is to realize
that all kinds of relationships exist out there in the big wide
world of ours. Most singles actually believe the only kind of relationship
possible is the kind they fear they will end up in. So singles envision
a controlling, manipulative partner who asks them to compromise
their very being. Or they envision an uncaring, cold partner who
would rather be away from them doing something else. Or they envision
some other relationship horror they would rather not live through.
In reality, many different relationship dynamics are possible between
two people. Simply because you feel controlled or feel distance
in one relationship does not mean the same thing will happen to
you in every relationship with any person.
To change this, get to know and build friendships with couples who
are not as you described above. Work on realizing just how many
different relationships are around you and what kind of a relationship
3. Complete the following
sentence with a few words that readily come to mind:
I deserve many positive things
in a partner, except_________________, which I don't feel I deserve.
Have you ever been given these kinds of things from others? If you
have, was it because you earned these somehow or did something to
How does one come to deserve
love, attention, affection, time? Many singles secretly believe
the only way they will get love is to somehow buy it - either literally
by spending money in a relationship, or figuratively by over-compromising
themselves. Others believe they simply deserve only what they have
been given in the past, which was often not enough.
The third step in fixing a
broken partner-picker is to realize that you deserve love, attention,
affection, time, etc. You don't have to do anything to earn it except
to be yourself. This is your inherent right as a human being.
To change your feelings about
what you deserve, get to know and build friendships with people
who readily give you THE thing you feel you do not deserve.
Complete this exercise with a friend
and share your results with each other. Get some feedback from people
who care about you on the ideas you came up with. With this feedback,
you will be well on your way to fixing that pesky partner-picker.
Your Relationship Coach,
"(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002.
Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build
a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your
needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills
and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships.
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