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too picky for love

Are you too picky or not picky enough
when it comes to finding love?

Are you too picky or not picky enough when it comes to finding love? If you have been in one or more long-term relationship and are now single again, you may find yourself at one of the two extremes of pickiness. You can become extremely picky to try to protect yourself from hurt. Or, not having been in a relationship in a long time, you can be so desperate for a relationship that being with any person seems much better than nothing.

Becoming less or more picky than you currently are about whom you date may improve your chances of finding true love -- for the first time or again. Read below to see how you can adjust your pickiness level.

You are too picky if:

  1. You have no problem getting dates, but everyone you date has something about him or her that turns you off.

  2. You have very specific ideas about who your partner needs to be: a particular religion, income level, profession, very similar interests, etc.

  3. You need a person to prove himself or herself to you over and over again, before you consider opening up to him or her.

  4. You need a partner to never let you down.

  5. You have a particular style or type of person you like and will only date this kind of person.

You are not picky enough if:

  1. You are willing to date anyone fairly decent, whether they are a good match for you or not.

  2. You don't want much from a partner: a sense of humor, a job, and being attracted to the person is good enough.

  3. You get into relationships quickly.

  4. You will accept lots of imperfections in your partner.

  5. You date people whether or not you are attracted to them.

If you identify more with being too picky, when you let someone in, you do not let them in deeply for fear they will not be good enough. Because of this, you tend to end up alone.

If you identify more with not being picky enough, you mostly end up with people who aren't a very good match for you. You're also likely to spend most of your time out of a relationship and sad about it.

Want to end up in a relationship rather than ending up alone? Here are some guidelines for what you should and should not be picky about.

Here's what you should be picky about:

  1. Qualities that will matter in the long run: a similar value system, communication style, and level of integrity.
    Ensuring your potential partners have these same qualities makes being in the relationship with each other easier - the two of you will be on the same page in many aspects.

  2. Your partner should have the same family goals as you, such as having children or not, getting married or not, etc.
    You want someone with the same family goals because they can be relationship breakers if you're not in agreement.

  3. Choosing a kind and gentle person who cares about people's emotions.
    Relationships can be hard. In hard times you want a partner who will treat you well instead of poorly.

  4. Choosing a person who has no exes lurking around hoping to reignite the relationship.
    Lurking exes tend to cause problems for relationships because the lurked is often torn between the past and present relationship and cannot fully be in either.

  5. The person you choose should have a job or even a career, and have his or her life and finances in order, or at least be working on it.
    You want someone who is living well with or without you to avoid unhealthy dependencies and resentments.

  6. The person should be someone you enjoy looking at, someone you find attractive.
    Healthy physical intimacy is critical to a long-term, happy relationship. Without a mutual attraction, this is something you will not have.

You don't have to be picky about the following:

  1. The person's profession.
    Even if you have had a bad experience with someone of a particular profession, chances are the trouble was with that particular person.

  2. How much the person earns.
    If you find you earn in different financial brackets, you can sometimes spend a little and sometimes spend a lot to even things out.

  3. Exactly how the person looks.
    You need to be attracted to your partner. But you might be surprised to find yourself attracted to someone who is not your "type."

  4. The person's past, as long as it has been worked through and put to rest.
    You need not worry about your partner's past as long as you can see that the emotions and circumstances of the past have been experiences and worked through.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries


"(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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