There are many single people looking
for a relationship, but not necessarily finding the one. I hear
it all the time in my practice. Single clients and friends tell
me they have tried personal ads, dating services and the Internet.
Some get their friends to set them up on blind dates. Many go to
singles social activities and join singles clubs of all kinds. The
lengths that singles go to in order to find a relationship could
constitute a full time job. And yet, more often then not, they come
up empty-handed. Sure, they may get some dates or end up in short-term
relationships. But they don't usually find the lifetime relationship
they've been seeking.
I have a theory about why many singles
have a hard time finding a lifetime relationship. Rather than looking
for a true partnership where both individuals meet each other's
needs, many singles are only looking to get their own needs meet.
They are not looking to relate with someone as much as they are
looking for someone to love them.
When you are only looking for someone
to love you, those who respond quickly and with the most intensity
will be most appealing. You will be looking for people who act as
if they are in love with you almost immediately. You will tend to
gravitate toward those with whom you have this "chemistry"
and who want to move quickly into a relationship.
Unfortunately, partners who want
to move into the relationship quickly tend to leave or cool off
to the relationship quickly. If you end up in a relationship where
there is immediate chemistry, where you are loved and adored immediately,
most likely you will be left or ignored soon after.
It is possible to be attracted to
and have chemistry with lots of people. Everyone you're attracted
to or have chemistry with should not be your relationship partner.
I believe every single person needs
to learn the skills of ignoring the immediate attraction and looking
for something subtler, something that can grow and develop over
time. One way to do this is learn to recognize people who have the
same values as you. Start by asking yourself the following questions: